


why don't we make a scene (together)?

by wanderlustnostalgia



Category: Saturday Night Live, Weekend Update (SNL)
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Parent Trap Fusion, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Screenplay/Script Format, Snippets, also zoolander, sorry - Freeform, stefon says some dirty shit, stefon's best friend joel shows up for two seconds, vaguely ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 11:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13500486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderlustnostalgia/pseuds/wanderlustnostalgia
Summary: The Parent Trap, SNL-style:  in which Bill is way too tame for this shit, and Stefon is terrible at ear piercing.





	why don't we make a scene (together)?

**Author's Note:**

> Hnnnnnnnnnngh I'm back (with the madness...the Stefon madness, that is)
> 
> Someone on Tumblr posted the idea of Bill and Stefon being twins, I think they're deactivated (RIP) but I wrote this when I was first getting into Stefon and I'm posting these snippets in the vain (and possibly foolish) hopes that it'll revive the tag. The parts of it that sound like they're lifted from the remake probably were (sorry about that); I tried to change up as much as I could. Seth, regrettably, does not appear in this because I couldn't find a way to work him in.
> 
> (Title from "Let's Get Together" from the original movie.)

[ _They've just met face-to-face for the first time.  Bill is shocked, Stefon has no idea what the hell is going on but he feels...weird._ ]

 **Stefon:**   Uh...why’s everyone staring at me.

[ _Bill frowns._ ]

 **Bill:**   Don’t you see it?

 **Stefon:**   See what?

 **Bill:**   Us.  You know—[ _Bill gestures between the two of them._ ]  Our faces?

 **Stefon:**   What about them?

 **Bill:**   ...They look almost exactly the same...?

 **Stefon:**   Hmm... turn around.  [ _Bill turns, looking confused and slightly perturbed._ ]  No, the other way.  [ _Bill obliges._ ] Hmm...well, your hair’s a hot mess, your smile’s all funny, your cheekbones are flat as a butter knife, and your eye’s doing some weird...squinty thing.

[ _Bill raises an eyebrow; Kristen sidles up to him, whispering in his ear._ ]

 **Kristen:**   Want me to punch the smirk off his stupid face?

[ _Bill waves her off._ ]

 **Bill:**   No, no, Kris, I got this.  [ _to Stefon_ ] You know the _real_ difference between us?

 **Stefon:**  Well, let’s see...I’m hot and you’re not...or I have game and you don’t?

[ _Bill's got his arms folded over his chest, unamused._ ]

 **Bill:** Real mature, buddy.

 

[ _They're playing poker in the cabin.  Bill has swept everyone thus far;_ _Stefon is not about to let that happen._ ]

 **Bill:**  Sorry, boys.  Read 'em and weep.  [ _The guys groan._ ]  Any more takers?  Goin' once, twice—

 **Stefon:**  [ _from offscreen_ ]  Deal me in, bitch.

[ _Stefon appears in the doorway, wearing shades, fishnet sleeves, and probably a feather boa.  His nails are painted.  He's flanked by Derek Zoolander and his best friend Joel.  Everyone looks up in awe._ ]

 **Bill:**  Take a seat, Zolesky.

 **Stefon:**   [ _eyes Bill's lap_ ]  Sorry, honey, I don't put out for losers.

[ _"Ohhhhhhhs" and "shiiiiiiiit" from the crowd.  Bill rolls his eyes, then shuffles the deck.  Stefon pushes up his shades; his eyeliner is on.  point._ ]

 **Bill:**  I'll make you a deal:  _loser_ jumps into the lake after the game.

 **Stefon:**  Done.

 **Bill:**   Completely naked.

[ _Stefon's eyes light up._ ]

 **Stefon:** Even better.

[ _The game begins in a montage.  Bill retains a look of focus but gets incrementally more anxious, Stefon fidgets, fans himself, does weird shit with his hands.  Montage gradually speeds up as the game increases in intensity, with occasional cuts to Kristen, Jason, Zoolander, and Joel's faces.  Then it stops and_ ]

 **Bill:**   Well, better start stripping, Zolesky.

[ _He reveals his hand to Stefon._ ]

 **Stefon:**   Oh, you’re good, Bill Hader...but as much as Stefon enjoys putting on a show...[ _He winks at someone in the crowd._ ]  You're just not good enough.

[ _He brings his tongue to his upper lip, and he reveals his hand to Bill._ ]

 **Stefon:**  I win.  [ _He grins._ ]

[ _Shocked noises from the crowd.  Bill's face gradually goes more horrified, and Kristen leans in to offer reassurance._ ]

 **Kristen:**   You're so  _screwed._

[ _Later, at the lake.  Bill is ass-naked, as promised.  Joel, Zoolander, and Stefon are watching from the sidelines; Joel turns to Stefon._ ]

 **Joel:**   That ass looks awfully familiar.

[ _Stefon glares._ ]

 **Joel:**   What?  It’s a perfectly nice ass!

[ _Stefon’s glare, already menacing, turns absolutely murderous._ ]

 **Joel:**   I didn’t say it was better than yours!

[ _Stefon hisses; Joel yelps and beats it out of there - skedaddles is a pretty good way to describe it._ ]

[ _In retaliation for an earlier incident, Stefon & co. booby-trap Bill's cabin.  All's fun and games until the camp director shows up for an inspection.  The camp director is none other than Lorne Michaels._]

 **Joel:**   Oh, shit, this is bad.  [ _Zoolander smacks him across the head._ ]  Ow!

 **Zoolander:**   [ _whispering, to Stefon_ ]  What're we gonna do?  ...Stefon?

[ _Stefon is staring straight ahead, shaking, biting his lip, yanking at his sleeves.  As Lorne approaches the cabin, he dashes in front of it._ ]

 **Stefon:**   Uh...you might not want to go in there, Lorne Michaels.

 **Lorne:**   Why not?

 **Stefon:**   Uh...[ _He glances nervously at Derek and Joel, who are useless._ ]  They all got sick last night eating those, like, pancake thingies with the greasy meatloaf...it’s just, like, Puke City in there, Lorne Michaels.  Nasty stuff.

 **Lorne:**   I don’t care how puked-up it is in there.  Sick, not sick, we're doing this inspection.  Your friends can go to the nurse.  [ _He grabs the doorknob.  Stefon is on the verge of losing his shit._ ]

 **Stefon:**   No, really, sir, you don’t wanna risk it.  That sh— _stuff_ is seriously  _nas-ty—_

[ _The door opens; Bill pokes his head out.  He looks relatively normal, save for the slightest bit of confetti in his messy hair._ ]

 **Bill:**   Actually, Lorne, everything’s fine here...unless Stefon here knows something we don’t.

[ _He glances over at Stefon, who's got his hands pressed to his face and looks like he wants to shrink._ ]

 

[ _Needless to say, Lorne is not amused.  The shenanigans end up getting the two of them thrown in isolation.  A storm hits, blowing all their stuff around the cabin as they run in to take cover._ ]

 **Bill:**  Any of your pictures ruined?

 **Stefon:**  [ _sighs_ ]  Ugh, just Dan Cortese.  [ _He delicately lifts a soaked headshot of Dan Cortese and pouts, tracing a fake tear down the side of his face._ ]

 **Bill:**  [ _frowns_ ]  Who?

[ _Stefon stares at him, aghast._ ]

 **Stefon:**  Wait, you've _never_ heard of Dan Cortese.  ...Wow, Kansas really is, like, the middle of buttfuck nowhere.

[ _Beat, in which Bill stares back, frown growing stronger._ ]

 **Bill:**   I'm from Oklahoma.

 **Stefon:**   Oh, is _that_ why your eye's all funny?

[ _Bill refrains from pointing out that they have the same face.  Also, that he's pretty sure Stefon means "glaucoma."_ ]

 

[ _So they've figured out that they're twins, they've planned out the whole switch-up thing, and now they're about to do the makeover.  Unfortunately for Bill, it turns out they cannot procure an accurate hairpiece from the drama cabin, so amateur stylist Stefon volunteers to take matters into his own hands.  Bill, understandably, is freaking out._ ]

 **Bill:**  [ _seated in a chair, blanket tied around him, very agitated_ ] What are you doing?  Don’t close your eyes!

 **Stefon:**  [ _pacing, also freaking out_ ]  Don't close eyes, right, right, sorry.  Just kinda...kinda—

 **Bill:** Nervous?

 **Stefon:**   —nervous, yep, nervous.  Very nervous.

 **Bill:**   [ _as Stefon_ ] YOU'RE nervous?  This 16-year-old scene kid's about to, like, jack up my hair!

[ _Stefon halts.  He turns to Bill, gripping the edges of his sleeves, and points, confused._ ]

 **Stefon:**   What are you doing?

 **Bill:**   [ _normal_ ] What do you mean, what am I doing?

 **Stefon:**   Why are you making that weird Tina Turner voice?

 **Bill:**   ...I don't know, trying to sound like you?

 **Stefon:**   [ _horrified_ ] Is that what I _sound_ like to you?

 **Bill:**   ...Yes?

[ _Later,_ _Bill is examining his new haircut in the mirror, Stefon beside him._ ]

 **Bill:**   ...This is weird.

[ _Stefon clicks his tongue, gripping Bill's shoulders and shaking his head._ ]

 **Stefon:**   Oh, honey.  You’ve never looked better.  [ _His eyes widen._ ]  Oh shit.  [ _He presses his hands to his face._ ]

 **Bill:**  What?

[ _Stefon starts to pace._ ]

 **Stefon:**   Shit.  _Shit._

 **Bill:**   _What?_

[ _Stefon turns to face Bill, gesturing to..._ ]

 **Stefon:**  My ears...

[ _Bill realizes.  He's horrified._ ]

 **Bill:** [ _backs away from the mirror, holding up a finger_ ] No.  No, no, not happening.  Not happening.  No.  _No._

 **Stefon:**   [ _listing things off with his fingers_ ] Hair is fixable, arms can be covered, but pierced ears—you can’t fake that, Bill Hader.

 **Bill:**   I _refuse._

 **Stefon:**   [ _frustrated_ ] Oh, _come on,_ Bill Hader!  It won’t be that bad, I  _promise._

 **Bill:**   _Won’t be that bad?_   [ _He starts imitating the finger-listing thing, his voice gradually rising in volume._ ]  I’ve had to paint my nails, dye my hair, and now you want to stick metal in my ears.  Nuh-uh, no way, not.  Happening.

 **Stefon:**   Hey, _I_ had to learn all this complicated _Star Wars_ shit _and_ cover my highlights _and_ wear your ugly shirts...

 **Bill:**   Ugly?

 **Stefon:**  ...The least you can do is stick a little metal in your ears for Stefon.

[ _Bill raises an eyebrow.  Stefon makes puppy-dog eyes at him._ ]

 **Stefon:**   [ _making puppy-dog eyes_ ] Please?  [ _Bill just stares.  Stefon huffs._ ]  Fine, now Stefon won't get to meet his Mama because Bill Hader wouldn't let him pierce his ears,  _awwwww._   [ _He does the thing with his hands, even though there's no audience.  Bill sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose._ ]

 **Bill:**   Are you sure about this?

 **Stefon:**   _Don’t_ worry about it.  I’ve got this guy in Manhattan, _great_ with a needle, taught me everything he knows.  [ _He gestures to his ear._ ]  Where do you think I got these?

 **Bill:**   [ _hesitantly_ ] If you say so...

 **Stefon:**   Just relax, Bill Hader.  It’ll be fine.  [ _He holds out a hand._ ]  Earring?

[ _Bill holds it up.  Stefon takes it._ ]

 **Stefon:**   Excellent.  Close your eyes.  It’ll be _juuuuuust_  like doing Zoloft at Twice.  Except, you know, without the seizures.  Or Gay-Z and Bi-yonce pissing in your shoes while you throw up.

[ _Bill is unnerved, but he squeezes his eyes shut anyway.  He clenches his fists._ ]

 **Stefon:**   [ _takes a deep breath_ ] Okay.  Three...two...one.

[ _Stefon sticks the needle through Bill’s earlobe._ ]

 **Stefon:**   [ _screams_ ]

 **Bill:**   [ _screams_ ]

[ _Stefon faints.  Time-skip to Bill crouching on the floor, slapping an unconscious Stefon._ ]

 **Bill:**   Stef?  Jesus Christ.  Stef.  Stef, wake up.  Stef.  Stef!  [ _Stefon’s eyes open; he jerks up, gasping._ ]

 **Stefon:**   Oh my God.  Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.  Oh God, Bill Hader.  [ _He presses his hands all over Bill's face, forcing open his jaw, turning his head from side-to-side._ ] Are you okay.  Bill Hader, did I hurt you?  Are you bleeding?

[ _Bill pushes him off._ ]

 **Bill:**   Stefon, I’m fine.  [ _He touches the earring, barely managing not to wince.  Stefon groans._ ]

 **Stefon:**   This seemed so much easier when Adam Trandler did it...

 **Bill:**   Adam _what?_

 **Stefon:**   Trandler.  [ _He collapses into Bill's chair._ ]  Oh, thank _fuck_ we got that over with.

 **Bill:**   Yeah, but you still got another four piercings to do.

[ _Stefon turns around slowly._ ]

 **Stefon:**   Uh... _what?_

[ _Bill holds up the needle, then points to Stefon's ear.  Stefon promptly passes out in the chair._ ]

 **Bill:**   Clip-ons it is, then.  [ _He wipes his forehead in relief._ ]

**Author's Note:**

> Come flail about stupid city correspondents with me on [Tumblr](https://poorapothecaries.tumblr.com/) sometimes I get lonely


End file.
